City of Destroyed Hearts
by everyrosehasitsthornxx
Summary: When a girl's and boy's family dies, what will they do? Orphaned at 12 with no family, what will they do? Will their hearts survive or will it be destroyed? Prequel to City of Glass Hearts. Don't have to read that to read this. OC, later MI
1. Prequel

**Disclaimer: My hair does have red tints (natural and in the sun) but sadly I'm not a full red-head. So I guess I'm not Cassie Clare. But I do own my characters and these words. **

*****Important A/N*****

**I'M BACK (AND SO IS THE STORY...KINDA) Miss me? Hehe...anyways, hey guys, so this is going to act like a _prequel _to CoGH (City of Glass Hearts) So if you _did not _read it, I suggest that you read it. You can go to my profile and click it, search it _or _click this link:**

**Now, _it is not necessary _to read CoGH to read this but it will give you a better understand of why they act the way they do and their pasts in CoGH. You can still read this first, heck, you can wait till this is over (it can act as a giant prequel to my story) and read CoGH afterwards.**

**Also, it has just a little to do with Infernal Devices but if you didn't read it, it doesn't really matter, it just enhances it.**

**That it all, hope you guys enjoy :)**

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><p><em>Under my bed was a dress box<em>

_Spilling old pictures,_

_A sift of lost faces_

_To drift beneath my dreams. _

_I am from those moments – _

_Snapped before I budded – _

_Leaf-fall from the family tree_

_~George Ella Lyon. Poem "Where I'm from" last stanza. _

_Prologue _

_Year: 2003_

"Mom," said a teenage girl, tapping her shoulder repeatedly until she turned around. Her mother sighed before facing her.

"Yes?" she asked, her patience running thin. She had forgotten how hard it was to have a child, let alone a teenage girl. She wondered how her mother handled it – and if she was like her daughter at her age.

"I want to go hunting," the girl chimed excitedly, her silver eyes lighted with excitement of the prospect of doing so.

Her mom's shoulders sagged, wondering how she was going to say no for the hundredth time. It seemed like she didn't listen to a word she said to her before. She resisted the urge to run her hair through her silver hair, the same color, if not brighter pasted onto her daughter's hair.

Her husband's genes didn't get a hole of her, none of the light sandy hair that sometimes looked blonde was in her hair, and the blue eyes were missing too. She was completely like her mother, sadly enough for her. She knew how horrible it was to grow up with hair that could be mistaken as white. But she seemed to like it."Hon, I told you thousands of times before that you can't. Just two more years and then you can go with your siblings."

"But that's not_ fa-ir_," the girl whined. Of course it wasn't fair when your siblings could do everything – and you couldn't.

"They had to wait their turn too. Now, I have some work to do; run along now," she shushed her daughter away, her calm façade about to slip any second. Her mother knew where she was coming from but it was for her own good.

The girl stomped outside, her face twisted in frustration. It didn't seem fair to her that she was always left out, always the one listening to fabulous and thrilling stories rather than actually telling them. For once, she wanted to be in the center of attention, to tell a story and have awed faces surrounding her and hanging onto each word like it was life.

But it all went to her siblings_. How typical_, she thought whiling kicking a stray gray stone. Her mother won't understand – she's always doing great things. She probably didn't even remember how unfair it was when she was a child, after all she was the last child with two older siblings and all of them were for years apart.

"Ouch," she heard someone say – or rather mumble. She could hear it better due to her super hearing. Which is why the rock also happened to go farther than what a normal twelve year old would kick out of anger.

She followed the voice, wanting to apologize to her fellow Shadowhunter, even if she was in a sour mood. Who knows, maybe one day this Shadowhunter might save her life or her family's.

When she saw the familiar tufts of brown hair, she ran up to him, her best friend. "Sorry, that was me. What are you doing at my house?" she asked, noticing that he crossed the lines between our neighboring houses, not that she really cared all that much.

"Well Silver, I came here to talk to you. Can you _believe _how they won't let us go hunting?" he asked, echoing what was on her mind, grateful that he just had a similar problem as her. She smiled at the use of her nickname, Silver, because of her silver hair.

Her real name was Selena, named after the moon due to her appearance. With silver eyes and matching hair, and pale skin, it kind of made sense.

"Well Aid," I said, mimicking him, "I know exactly how you feel. My mom just said no to be yet again!"

His face softened. "We should do something about it," he said as he plopped onto the lush forest green grass.

She sat down next to him. "Yeah," she agreed, laying on the ground completely and staring at the fluffy white cotton candy clouds, "but what? We always say that but never actually _do _something."

She turned her head to look at him to see his face thoughtful. "Well," he paused, looking at her, "this is kind of crazy but…"

"But?"

"We could sneak out and kill a demon ourselves." The girl's silver orbs widened at the thought.

"But isn't that kind of dangerous?" she asked in a small voice. Going alone was a scary prospect – one she didn't want to try.

He opened his mouth, but closed it, thinking better of it. Saying _either way it's dangerous _was going to pressure her into saying yes and he didn't want to force her to say yes. Instead he said, "Never mind. Forget that I mentioned it."

"No, it's a good idea, just really, you know," she said, feeling bad about turning down his idea. But the more she thought of it, the more she realized how much sense it made. They would have done it alone, showed that they were more than capable, and from then on they wouldn't be the ones in the sidelines.

"Let's do it," she said suddenly, filled with excitement.

_One day later…_

She snuck of her house, slipping out the window and landing on her feet like a cat, the backpack bumping against her back. She had packed it the day before with a few weapons and walked for a mile before resting against a tree.

She almost fell asleep when a figure jumped out at her. Only having her stele in her hand at the moment, she jumped on the person, trying to remember how the confinement rune looked like. It would make him immobile if drawn on four different sides of the person, or on the ground.

The figure slammed his back onto the tree – right where she was and she hit it surprisingly lightly before a hand covered her mouth. She squealed but a voice spoke above her. "It's me, you idiot."

She clamped her mouth as the hand drew away. "Sorry, you just scared me." He just nodded, barely visible except for the moon that was lighting their way.

When they were outside of Idris, the moon climbing steadily, they headed straight for the forest, where they learned were most of those foul _things _hid.

They walked side by side, trying to not make any noise but when a twig snapped under their feet they both jumped before walking again, slightly closer than before.

When there were only a few hours of night left, they decided to head back, not finding anything. They were torn into feeling disappointed and guiltily happy when they heard a rustle. They both spun around to see a _thing _slitering out from the bushes, dark and big.

They inched back, terrified and rooted to the place from the ice that ran down their veins. It made noises, noises that sounded like crackling flames before it switched tongues. "Who's this?" it hissed, peering closer at them, not in the least bit scared of the teenagers.

Where the demons eyes should have been looked at the boy, then the girl. "A Carstairs," it said, the tongue darting out as it talked. "I shall kill all the kin of the _Shadowhunters_," it spat, it's pitiless eyes boring into silver ones, "who killed my own."

The girl stood there, confused. What did it mean, that we killed it's family? I haven't killed a demon in my life, let alone _see _one. Until now, that is. And why was it solely focused on her?

It slithered closer and silver flashed out, with ichor falling out of the wound, but it only laughed. "Silver, get out your goddamn weapons," he hissed at her, taking out another seraph blade that was like the one before.

She fumbled for her bag, taking out two twin blades. "Don't throw it at it or else you'll run out of weapons," she advised him while slashing out with her blades. It didn't even seem to look at her as it swatted her away, her head hitting bark.

Her vision blurred and all she saw was green and black before she felt slightly burning pain and feeling better. "Thanks," she panted at Aden.

He just nodded. "Why does it only want you?" he asked as he slashed at its side over and over again without it even touching him.

"I don't know!" she answered while dodging a tentacle. Suddenly, a bright light sliced through the sky like a knife – it actually _was _a knife – and pierced the things middle.

For the first time, it shrieked, the sound of nails grinding down on chalkboards and a horrible voice breaking glass all in one. "Aden," she whispered shakily, "did you do that?"

"No," he whispered back, "did you?"

She shook her head, and backed away slowly. "Is that your mom?" Aden asked, disbelief in his voice.

"Mom!" she called out, running towards her. Her mom let her witchlight shine higher and she saw her dad along with Aden's parents as well. "What are you doing here?"

"I should be asking _you _that," she retorted, anger lighting her eyes brighter than the moon.

"Sorry, but that thing said we killed its family. And it _knew _I was a Carstairs," I told her, unable to keep the terror out of my voice.

Her liquid silver eyes hardened into rock. "Yanluo," she spat out bitterly. "Stay here" she commanded before going into the forest. She saw her sister and brother trailing after her parents along with Aden's parents.

She was too scared to protest or follow them, so she stood there numbly. "Come on," he said gently, tugging her into the forest. "We have to help them."

The heat came back in her and she followed. Everywhere there was fighting, ichor and flashes of silver. The two teenagers drew iratze on someone, too worried and dark to see who it was. And not really wanting to.

She looked up, hoping for some kind of miracle but none came. Instead, she saw her mother slam into the tree hard enough to sway it slightly and her dad rushing after her, shaking her shoulders before charging at him, facing the same fate.

Aden stayed where he was, helping whoever it was while she rushed to her parents. "Mom? Dad?" she asked, hope not fleeting her yet. Two pairs of eyes opened slightly, and their mouths opened.

"I love you," they both said, before her dad's eyes rolled into the back of his head. "Forever," her mother added before the same thing happened to her.

She cried out, but no one was going to help her, or her parents. She sunk into the ground before Aden came and told her to help him drag someone out – she didn't see who – of that horrible place. Once they got back into Idris, they knocked on the first house they found, but no one opened it.

Tired, cold and in shock, they all collapsed on the porch.

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><p>Nothing really to say…oh, btw, they live all the way near the edge of Idris so..yeah, they can cross it over night. And…I'll update when I can and check out City of Glass Hearts if you haven't (I really recommend reading that first before this) and Superhero.<p>

Hope you guys liked it. Tell me what you think :)

Your writer who loves reviews as much as donuts (which is a lot),

~Icyfirelove3


	2. Chapter 1: Alive

**Disclaimer: I don't own the idea of Shadowhunters and blah blah. But these **_**are **_**my characters, my plot and my ideas. Well, some of them. Yeah…we all know the drill and what I own and what I don't. **

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, added my story on story alert and/or fav. Author. It means a lot to me! Thanks for all the love :)

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Alive<strong>

**Selena's Point of View**

The memory was excruciating, almost unbearable and was ready to pull me over. Tears streaked down my face like it was a never ending marathon and I wrapped my arms around my knees, rocking back and forth slowly on the ground, hoping that if I kept my physical form intact, then it would keep my emotional one intact as well.

But once the memory started, the rest flooded in as well, unstoppable. If it was up to me, I would have stopped it right then and there. But it wasn't.

_The next morning I found myself in a warm bed and I snuggled deeper into the blankets, trying to keep the cold that was creeping on me away. As much as I tried, it didn't work and I opened my eyes, wondering what another boring day would have in store for me. _

_But once I opened my eyes and saw the room that was nicely furnished – but not over the top, the memories rushed back to me, so hard that I was left gasping for air before the hysterics set in. I didn't have time yesterday to cry, but today all I had _was _time. _

_Silent tears went down my face like turning on the faucet before I wiped my eyes and getting a tissue, trying to wipe them away if I couldn't hold it in. Everything came out, my frustration, anger, sadness. _

_Everything. _

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair_, I kept chanting to myself to keep myself from thinking about what really happened. That this was a punishment for trying to hunt down a demon. That I didn't get killed in something that I should have, but everyone I loved did. _

_I stopped crying after a minute – I wouldn't have a real crying jag going on until I knew I was alone. But with the sunlight steaming in through the window and however brought us in this room was probably going to check on us soon._

_And I didn't need their pity. And I didn't want to explain. That would make it more real. And maybe it was a horrible dream to teach me a lesson. Maybe I'm still in a dream._

_But alas, I wasn't and I got up slowly, fire spreading through my legs, cramped from not being used in who knows how long. I opened a door attentively in the room, found a closet, quickly shut it and tried the next one, finding a bathroom._

_I washed my face – which didn't look at all like I was crying if it wasn't for my slightly red nose. It was always like that, I could cry without anyone really knowing. I was glad – I didn't want anyone thinking that I was weak, seeing through my hard coating when really, on the inside I was soft. _

_Patting my face dry with a towel, I refused to look in the mirror that was right in front of the sink. I couldn't look at it without seeing my mother – the one who was now dead. _

_Because of me. _

_I walked out of the bathroom quickly and opened the right door that lead to a hallway. Padding down it, my footsteps were muffled by the carpet and I nearly screamed when I bumped into something hard. I bounced back, saying a sorry. _

_I looked up, to meet a handsome face. Brown, almost black hair a mop on his head and green eyes, he was pretty attractive. _Oh by the Angel, _I thought, _was this the person that lived here? _That was embarrassing, having someone open the door like that and seeing us there…._

"_Hello," he said, a smile curving on his face. The smile on his face looked good. And I grasped that distraction as hard as I could – I wouldn't, no _couldn't _think about other things. "You must be one of the girls that Nesha found. Come, I'll bring you to her." _

_I studied his back, trying not to focus – or worry – about who this Nesha person was. Muscles twined up his arms but not overly so. He was lean, tall – taller than me – and looked about fourteen, maybe fifteen. _

_We arrived in a big kitchen, and an elderly woman was at the stove, making what smelt like tea. _Rich enough to have a maid? _I thought, frowning. Well, this wasn't going to be good…_

"_Ah, there you are dear. I was wondering when you were going to wake up. Take a seat," she said, gesturing with her hands to the wide and long table. I sat down on one, nervous. _

"_I'm Nesha, as Zef has most likely told you." I immediately felt bad – she was Nesha, not a maid! And then I wondered who Zef was before realizing that she was talking about the boy. _Grandchild? _I pondered before nodding my head. _

_When I didn't say anything she spoke again, her face still kind. "And who might you be?" _

"_Selena," I answered, not giving her my last name. That would remind me of my family…who is now deceased. I had no family._

"_Ah, suiting" she said, pouring us cups of tea. "You must be that blonde's sister, correct?" _

"_Suiting name?" I repeated dumbly, not registering her last words. _

"_Do you know Hebrew?" she asked me as I made a hand gesturing meaning sort of."Well, I know it very well. My family is part Jewish you know. It means Moon and it suits you." I got what she meant. I forgot how strange it must be to see this. _

_And I felt so stupid to think that she wouldn't know my family. Everyone knew us as the silver family. Of course, how could I have been so stupid? She just needed confirmation as to who I was. _

"_And what blonde?" I asked, once again, pretty stupidly. What was she talking about? Aden was an only child. Was it possible that his mom…? _

_She exchanged a look with Zef, who was right behind me as I scowled. "Sorry hun. But weren't you aware of the third person with you?" _

"_Yes…but who is it?" _

"_I don't know, I thought you would know since I assumed with you. Don't know how many people would decide to show up unconscious on my porch," she chuckled but it wasn't quite whole heartedly. _

"_What does she look like?" I asked. It could be Aden's mom, who was a blonde. Or…or, it could be my sister. But her hair was silver tinted, a very light blonde. _

"_Well, like you. Expect her hair has a blonde tint to it and really light blue eyes." My heart stopped. Then picked up in double speed. Aden's mom has green eyes. My sister had blue eyes. Two plus two equals four. _

"_Courtney. Oh my god, that's my sister Courtney!" I said, getting up, and knocking down the chair in my haste in standing up. I didn't know she was alive! Oh my Angel, I wasn't alone after all. My sister was alive! Well! Healthy! I wasn't ever going to take her for granted ever again. _

"_Would you wish to show you her?" she asked, her hands folded in front of her. _

"_Yes please." My heart hammered and I couldn't believe it. Not all hope was lost. My sister was still alive. My sister was still alive! _

_My sister was the person who I was the closest to, despite our age difference. She just turned seventeen and despite that my brother was closer to my age – fifteen – she was always there for me, despite our bickering. _

_She was like my mom, my best friend and sister all in one. If she was okay, then we could make it through this. I excitedly pushed open the door, to see her just getting up from her bed._

"_Courtney!" I shouted and flung myself at her, hugging her with all my might, with every fiber in my being. _

_To have a phoenix rise from the ash again made me feel so much better. There was hope. I could breathe just a little bit easier. I didn't kill my whole family. _

"_Selena," my sister said, sort of stiffly but I didn't mind. She was probably in shock. And she didn't get to cry over what happened like I did. _

_She looked over my shoulder and I realized that we weren't alone. "Would you like some food? Selena, honey, you didn't even touch your tea." _

_We obediently followed her to the kitchen and eat a food. "How about we wake up the boy? I think that he's slept long enough." _

_I didn't want to wake up Aden. He was probably in a better place where he was dreaming in then he was in reality. Yes, I had more people to lose, but he lost _everyone_ in his family. _

_It was just as hard on him as it was for me. And we both shared the same guilt. _

"_How about you wake him up Selena? I think he rather wake up to his best friend then me," my sister said, still in that out of place tone and look. _

_I shrugged it off and went into Aden's room after Nesha explain to me where it was. "Aden?" I said, knocking on the door. _

"_Come in," was the faint reply. _

"_Oh, are you okay?" I asked, pulling him up in a hug. We both were hurting, and I felt that he needed this hug as much as I did. And since boys would never swallow their pride and hug me first, I decided to do it. _

"_Just as okay as you are," he said, his voice muffled. I let go and took a step back. _

"_Come in the kitchen to have food when you're ready," I told him as I turned to leave. _

_He held on to my wrist. "Let's just go together now. I don't think I could handle going alone," he admitted, his cheeks briefly turning pink. _

_I nodded my head and led him into the kitchen. "And who might this young man be?" Nesha asked. _

"_Aden, Aden Lovelace." _

"_Aden, Nesha, Nesha, Aden," I said, introducing them since I felt like it was the right thing to do. _

"_Okay, how about we have some food before we have a little chat." I swallowed the lump that was in my throat. Oh Angel, oh no. I knew that this was going to happen – no three kids pop out of nowhere on someone's doorstep wouldn't expect not to – but that didn't make it any less harder to do. _

_I just nodded and Aden ate quickly – only because he hardly took anything. I guess that would make sense, if I was told that then I would lose my appetite too. _

"_Okay, how about we go into the living room?" Nesha said, oblivious to the glum room. _

_As we all settled down the on the couches – me, Courtney and Aden on one and Nesha and Zef on the other – she started speaking again, wasting no time. "So, you want to explain how three kids appeared on my doorstep in the middle of the night?" _

_I licked my lips, looking sideways at the others to see if they were going to talk, but their lips were firmly pressed together, like they glued their mouths shut. I sighed, not really wanting to speak, but knowing that we would have to. _

_A minute went by before I found my voice. Or that was enough time to gather myself up so I wouldn't cry talking about it. "Well…." I started, looking down at my clasped hands. There were whiter than usual from pressing them so hard together. _

"_Our parents…we…they…died," I whispered, not really forming a proper sentence but getting the message across. I could hear the sharp intake of breath from Zef before he left the room. Nesha, however, just sat there, studying us quietly and beckoning us – or me – to continue. _

"_We were fighting a demon. Killed our parents as they held them off long enough for us to escape. Your house was the first one we found." I wasn't going to explain any more. I couldn't. I felt the unshed tears burning my eyes, and I wanted so badly just to lock myself in a room, put my face in a pillow and cry my heart out. _

_Even though doing that would accomplish nothing, it would make me feel a heck of a lot better. Nesha's face completely transformed from the nice, kind of prodding old lady to horrified and sympathetic. "You poor souls. They shall be buried in the City of Bones. May their souls rest in peace." _

_I don't know why, but hearing that made it just that much more real. My throat closed up and my eyes burned. I quickly blinked back whatever I was feeling and made myself like stone. _

_Cold, hard, unmoving. _

_She clicked her tongue, and looked at us. "Well, you guys can stay here until you figure things out, get everything in order. I hope you guys are okay. I will leave you guys, and you can return to your rooms if you wish." Both of them got up and walked away while we all just looked at each other. _

"_Hey, dude, can I talk to your girlfriend for a moment?" Courtney asked, looking at Aden. _

_My eyes widened and I gaped at her. "I am not his girlfriend!" _

"_I'm not her boyfriend!" we both said at the same time. Normally, doing that at the same time might have made Courtney laughed, but she didn't. Her mouth was in a hard line and she wasn't looking at me. _

"_Fine, then, can I take her to a room and speak to her _alone _at least?" _

_I frowned at her, not getting what was going on. "He-llo, I'm right here you know," I told her, getting annoyed at being ignored. _

_She still didn't pay any attention to me. Just glared some more at Aden and got up before walking away. _

"_What the heck was that about?" Aden asked me when she was gone. _

_I sighed. "I don't know. You don't suppose that I should go back there and find out, do you?" He nodded his head and I sighed again. "You'll be find here?" _

_He nodded his head and I opened Courtney's door, but she wasn't in there. Mumbling to myself about how unreasonably she was being, I headed back to the living room. _

"_I'm guessing by how fast you came back and that look on your face that you didn't find her." I nodded my head and plopped down on the sofa. Family was suppose to help each other in the time of need. And she was the only real family I had. _

_So why was she acting like this? _

"_Look, whatever it is, she will get over it. After –" he hesitated before continuing, "after what happened, that's what she probably has learned. What we all learned." Even though he didn't really explain what we exactly learned, I knew what he meant. _

_We could be killed – as it happened to our parents and my brother – any time, and we had to realize how precious family is. "You think she'll come around?" I asked hopefully. I couldn't have her mad at me. I hated when she was. Unlike me, she didn't get mad over unreasonable things. _

But what I didn't do anything!_ I thought. I was going around circles and I wished that I could just find her and shake her shoulders until she told me what was wrong. Seriously, did she even think how I would feel about that? _

_Sighing, I ran my fingers through my long hair, getting stuck at the end. Frowning, I pulled the hair to the front since it was in the back and I gasped. There was red, dried up blood crusted on my hair. _

_I swallowed back the bile that was threatening to come up and took in a shaky breath. "I'm going to go shower." I turned around and walked as quickly as I could without actually running. _

_After the nice, warm I should add, shower I took – keeping my mind away from what happened like I've been doing the whole day – I dried my hair, that no longer held any traces of red, with my towel. I refused to think about what happened. I sat on my bed, checked the time, realizing that I actually had woken up at noon – go figure – and that it was nearly night. _

_Venturing out into the hallway, I knocked what I thought was Aden's door. It could've been the one next door, but I didn't remember properly. The door was slightly ajar so I pushed it open when no reply came. _

_Peering through the tiny crack – I didn't want to intrude – I saw a mop of brown hair. I smiled slightly before it transformed into a frown. That wasn't Aden's hairstyle. This was shorter, and the brown was darker. Peering through it, I saw familiar silver-blonde hair and I gasped before backing away._

What the hell were they doing together? _I thought before going opening the door next to it that was Aden's – hell, I had thought that Aden's room was Courtney's, no wonder I couldn't find her – and burst through his door, almost stumbling. _

_Rather ungraceful for a Shadowhunter. _

_What I saw, though, was totally unexpected._

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><p>Hey guys! So whatcha guys think? Selena is strong, so you didn't see her cry…yet. When she does, oh…well, you'll see ;) She's been trying not the think about it all day.<p>

Anyways, tell me what you think! I really am working hard with this. Now you know why I didn't hate my characters as some of you did when you read CoGH. Now you'll understand why. They had a whole complicated life that well, made them do what they did.

So…hope you enjoyed. Oh, and I forgot to say in the last chapter, I'm doing the secret word again. For those of you that don't know it, it's when I include a secret word in my A/N to see who actually reads my rambling. (Don't worry, they will be shorter than this one – it's really long) and if you say the secret word in a review (you have to be signed in, but I do take anonymous reviews) then you get a teaser of the next chapter.

So the secret word this time is: headache. Because for those who read CoGH you knew all about that problem I was having. It's back…sadly. I have no freakin idea what it is and it hurts like hell. Ever had a headache that lasted all day? Was there when you woke up and when you went to sleep? Yeah…world of pain. Not fun. Anyways, goal? Same as last time? 7…so, 10 por favor?

Love you guys as always!

~Icyfirelove3

P.S. Read the other story I'm writing (I almost wrote two, which is a lie. Well, for fanfic. I'm only writing two (this and superhero). But I am writing my own personal story :D) anyways, it's called Superhero. But I DID NOT write the first three chapters. The person I beta for (coolestxnerd) did. She didn't have time to finish it so she gave it me.

P.S.S. sorry for taking so long. Truth is that I had this down like on Wednesday but that's when all the headaches and crap came and I haven't been feeling well due the goddamned headache.


	3. Chapter 2: I'm Still Alive but Barely

**Disclaimer: The usual – I don't own this blah blah blah. I do own, however, my characters and the plot and stuff. You know what I own and what I don't. **

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, added my story on story alert and/or fav. author. It means a whole lot to me!

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><p><strong>***IMPORANT NOTE ON THE STORY: If you are confused on this…that was a memory in the last chapter. Everything that is in italicized is always a memory currently. Sometimes, I will have it as a dream or flashback but for now it serves as a memory. And if it's not italicized then it is <strong>_**not **_**a memory. Okay? Okay.*****

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><p><strong>Chapter Two: I'm Still Alive but I'm Barely Breathing<strong>

**Selena's Point of View**

_Aden was well, shirtless. His lightly tanned skin was smooth other than the silvery white lines that were left behind from runes. I was lucky – with mine, it was nearly impossible to tell. Only if you knew it was there, you would see it. _

_My cheeks colored slightly and I cleared my throat. "I'll, uh, come back in a minute," I said, slowly backing out of the door. _

_Aden, who appeared to not care that he was half naked in front of a girl just rolled his eyes and he pulled his shirt over his head. _

_Not before I noticed his muscles that were already there, and the faintest of lines to show were abs would be. Hoping that my cheeks weren't red again I shut the door behind me. I noted his wet hair, which explained why he was shirtless. He just took a shower. _

_I mentally smacked myself. Of course, this is what I get when I don't knock. Always a nasty little habit I had from my siblings…er, sibling. It was hard to think that…I swallowed, blinking away the tears. _

_What was worse that my own sibling was acting weird with me. She was the only family I had left. I immediately felt bad for Aden. He didn't have any family left, unlike me. I guess I was lucky. _

_I just sat quietly on the bed as I thought. It was Aden who had saved Courtney, I realized. "Thanks," I said, really meaning it. If everyone was gone…I don't know where I would be know. Crazy, going insane. Probably something along those lines._

"_For?" he asked, sitting down next to me. He had a haunting look in his eyes, the same one that I probably had in mine. I wondered if it would ever go away. Or I only noticed it because I knew what he was going through. _

"_For saving Courtney." _

"_Even though she's being the way she is?" he asked, just looking at me. There was no emotion on his face, not really. It was weird, but I guess everyone had their own way of coping. And I did that too, so I wasn't really one to talk. _

"_Yeah. After…" I heisted, but since he probably knew what I meant, I just plowed through with it. "After what happened, I realized that it's stupid to be bad at someone for a petty reason. At least I learned something out of this," I said, laughing bitterly. _

_I just wish I didn't have to learn the hard way. This was going to be a permanent reminder, always lurking in the back of my mind. This was the best reminder, but also the worst. _

"_Hey," he said gently. "I know what it's like. It will get better." He wrapped his arms around me and I laid my head on his shoulder. Somehow, he made me feel better. _

_We just stayed like that for a while; just being with each other was comforting. At least we had each other right now. Aden was just about to say something, I could hear the intake of his breath and his chest rise with the movement when the door opened. _

_We sprang apart, even though we weren't really doing anything wrong. When Zef came through the door, I felt myself getting warmer. For some reason, letting him see me with Aden like that, well, I didn't want him to see me like that with him. _

_He smiled his cute smile – he had dimples, I noticed, one on each side – and looked at both of us before speaking. "Well, we were going to have a late dinner right now but if you guys aren't hungry…" he trailed off, flashing us another glance at his smile that was timid this time. _

"_Oh no, we'll come. Thanks," I said, hoping that I didn't sound squeaky. He smiled and nodded – at me, something I couldn't help but to notice – and he closed the door softly behind him. _

"_Okay," I said, slapping my hands down on my thighs, "let's go have some dinner."_

_Aden just looked at me for a second with an odd expression on his face before getting up as well. Normally, he would have made some snarky remark being the Aden that he is, but due the circumstances, I could understand why he didn't. _

_I feel like that really wouldn't help. But then again, it would bring back a sense of…_normalness _again. I needed that. I wish I could just pretend to be a little kid and believe that my parents just went on a Shadowhunter business. _

_They said that ignorance is bliss right? _

_But, was it worth it? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and…well, eventually I'll be stronger. I'll be bound to get over it right? _

I sniffled, knowing just how wrong I was. Time heals all wounds, they say.

Wrong.

They were dead wrong. So much time had passed…so much, and my wound is still there. A gaping hole in my heart that isn't yet fixed.

You could move on from it, live life without that part, but it's still there. An empty spot in your heart. Something that time still hasn't healed for me. And somehow, I doubt that time will ever fix it. The ghost of it, the echo of it will still be there, even if I do ever move on.

And somehow I doubt that I ever will. One doesn't just recover from this easily.

_Dinner was silent that night._

_It was just the sound of scraping utensils against plate. The food was good, I had to admit, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. I mostly just moved my food around, hoping that it would at least look like I ate something. _

_Courtney sat across from me, but she didn't even look up, once. I wanted to sigh, grab her and shake her shoulders until she finally looked at me. I wanted to smack her so hard for making me feel this way. Aden, who was sitting on my right, kept giving me looks, as to make sure I was staying in check. _

_Nesha sat across from him, and much to my horror and excitement, Zef sat on my left. I mean, ew, watching someone eat was not a good first impression but I was also happy that he was sitting next to me. My skin tingled, all nerves hyperaware of every movement of his. _

_But, I was just distracting myself, really. Maybe, if things were different, I could have really thought about Zef like that, truly, but now…now..it was just a distraction that I held on to with all my might. I didn't want to remember how, if things were normal and we were all back at home, we would all be eating together, as a family. _

_How, even though I was never the center of attention during the dinner conversation, I still missed it. I would do anything to go back to that. It seemed petty to me now that I wanted to have all the attention. Now, now I would be content with just sitting there with my family. _

_What I would do to go back and treasure each moment I had. They were right, live like it's your last day, you might not know if it is. And it was especially true with us Shadowhunters. We could all die just like that. _

_Swallowing back the thump in my throat and staring at bright light to make the tears go away, I tried forgetting. _Get a grip over yourself, _I thought. _You can't let them see you like this. They'll see you as what you really are – weak.

_I _was _weak. A horrible person. I was weak for not waiting my turn, just like how all my sibling did. I heard about how mundanes, normal human parents, gave their youngest child all the attention. It was the opposite here. The middle child would be the Mundie's victim of no attention. _

_They all dealt with it, so why couldn't I? Why couldn't I just accept the fact that I had to wait? Look what I did. My stupid own fault. _

_But I couldn't let anyone know just how weak I was. I always kept my emotions in check, bottled up. I was very emotional, but I would never show it. I couldn't really – we were suppose to be stronger than that. _

_But I was weak. _

_And look what that brought us, our families. _

_I didn't want to remember, I didn't want to feel the guilt that was gnawing on the insides, slowly killing me. I couldn't address it – it would make it so much worse. _

_Instead, I forced myself to eat, having a lot to be thankful for. For being alive. For my sister and Aden to be alive. These people taking care of us. _

_But look where being alive brought me. _

_Pain, misery. Guilt. So much guilt. _

_I stood up, pushing my car back and muttered an excuse me as I walked out of the kitchen. Once I was out of sight, I ran into my room, locking the door. I slid down on the floor, back against the door as I covered my mouth to keep back my sobs. Tears streamed down my checks, staining my shirt. _

_I couldn't do this anymore – pretend to be okay. I wasn't. I was far from it. _

_My parents were dead. My brother was dead. My best friend's parents were dead. My sister hates me. _

_And it was all my fault. _

_I got up quickly, tripping over my own feet, unable to see. Tears blurred my vision and I locked myself in the bathroom. I couldn't let anyone see me like this. Weak. Pathetic. A waste of space. _

_A saying I read awhile ago was right – sometimes, when people who seem the strongest on the outside are the ones who are actually crying to most inside. _

_That was me – the pretender to being okay. Pretending to be fine. Pretending to be strong. I was nothing but a fake. I was crying the most on the inside. It was just a face I put on, something no one really every caught on to. _

_Even when my parents were alive, I always pretended to be fine, even if I was a bit whiny. I was born a fake. Stepping into a shower, I sat at the edge of the tub, taking deep breaths. Tears mingled with the water as I just sat there, thinking about my family that was now dead. _

_Dead cause of me. _

_Why did I have to go hunting for a demon myself? Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I listen when they said it was dangerous? Those moments were the most terrifying in my life. Why in the world would I give up my family for a stupid hunt?_

_Even if my parents said they loved me, it didn't take away the fact that _I _got them killed. That _I _should be responsible for their deaths. _

_Yes, I didn't get attention all the time, but that was a small price to pay when you still had your family alive. Why did I take them for granted? Another famous saying popped into my mind: you never know what you have until it's gone. _

_The tears morphed into full out sobs and I cried into my hand. I couldn't tell what was water and what was my salty tears. I just heaved, missing my parents. I pictured my mother, almost a mirror image of myself and my father, who had that light blonde hair and deep blue eyes. _

_My brother, who got the silvery hair that I had, but my father's deep blue eyes. I was like my mother, my sister was like my father, and my brother was a combination of the both. It was weird, but it all suited us. I remembered the picture we took at the Bone City, going all the way to the mundane world of New York City. I was little at the time, but we looked like one happy family. _

_All together, all smiling, all huddled together. _

_Now, it was just me and my sister. And she hated me. _

_I know it was my fault, she had every single right to hate me, but I wished she didn't. It's bad enough that I lost everyone else, but her too? And the one that was always the closest to me? The one that understood me? _

_It was then having her dead – my family at least still loved me when they died. She didn't. I could die, or she could die, and I would be left with the memory of my sister who hated me. _

_I didn't blame her, but right now, I needed her. It was a surprise that Aden himself didn't hate me as well. Then again, he probably felt equal blame for it too. He knew how I felt, that's why we understood each other. _

_I finally stopped crying, the hurting replaced by a numbing feeling. I was all cried out. Standing there with the warm water hitting my back like a massage, it was almost like everything was normal again. _

_But this was reality, and in reality, nothing was normal. I was a Shadowhunter. There were demons. And worst of all, everyone I loved was dead. Or hated me, which was just as bad, if not worse, then being dead. _

_Angel, I just wish I could escape from this horrible world and never come back. I wanted to go back to that time in the picture, when I was fine. Wrapping the towel over me and making sure that no traces of my breakdown was there – only a slightly red nose – I exited the bathroom. _

_And there, sitting on my bed was Zef and Aden, just talking quietly. I almost dropped my towel, to gasp but my better instincts didn't let me, thank god. _

_They turned to look at me when they heard me, probably my hair dripping on the floor. Both of their eyes widened in surprise and they looked away. _

_I clutched my town closer to myself self-consciously. "We were…ah, we were just going to talk to you. We'll come back later," Zef said awkwardly, and they both got up and quickly left the room, Aden pink faced. _

_Before the door completely closed, Zef popped his head back in the room. "Just saying, there's some clothes in the dresser if you want to borrow them. We have extra room just for this. You couldn't imagine all the Shadowhunters we get fleeing into the border needing help." I nodded as he left the room. _

_I opened the drawers, seeing piece of wood, making two sides. One was for girls, and the other was for boys. I picked up a gray shirt – it was the closest to silver and I needed something comforting – and going to the next drawer I found the same thing but this time with pants and jeans. _

_Searching through it, I finally found a pair of black leggings at the bottom. I opened the last one to find undergarments and extra toothbrushes and combs and such. Taking all that I needed and going back into the bathroom, I quickly changed. _

_Tying my hair up, I opened my door, peeking my head out both sides. The boys said they would come back later, but I guess they got embarrassed. Guessing that they would be in Aden's room, I knocked on his door. _

_I didn't find Zef, but Aden was there. "Hey," I said quietly. Aden was the only one in the whole world that could tell when I cried, despite the subtle signs._

"_Hey," he said, patting space next to him on the bed. "How are you feeling?" I sat down next to him, sighing. _

"_Probably just about how good you are feeling," I answered honestly. I was probably going to end up lying to the answer for that question my whole life, so might as well get out the truth at least once. _

_He grimaced. "You just went away from dinner…" he said, trailing off. _

"_Yeah, I was upset. I just…it's just so hard," I confessed, and he nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry, I should be dumping this on you. You have your own issues to deal with." I didn't say which issues – it would just bring that wash of grieve crashing back down again. _

"_No, it's okay. We're in this together," he told me, looking at me in the eyes, serious. The look was too mature for any twelve year old to wear. _

_It broke my heart to see him wear that serious look – the only people that wore them knew just exactly how harsh the world was. _

_Innocence was such a luxury._

_What I would – what _we _would give to have our parents again. "I know," I finally responded, closing my eyes. _

_I laid down on the bed, tried. My hands folded on my stomach, I asked, "Do you think it will ever get better?" _

_Aden laid down too, and I turned to look at him as he responded. "I don't know, I just don't know."_

"_My mom said that time heals all wounds. Look at the irony of that. Now she's not here to tell me that." I sighed an closed my eyes, missing the times when I would just lay my head on my mom's lap and she would just run her hands through my hair every time I came home when some kid teased me about it. _

_Of course, the next day, they always did end up getting hurt by my brother or even by Aden. I missed them, I really did. Why did life have to be so cruel? _

_Why did my family have to pay for the mistakes that I made?_

* * *

><p>Okay, so, hope you guys like this. I have some pretty awesome stuff (well, I think so anyways XP) planned…but I had to get the hurt out. Ouchie. Makes me sad to even write it…<p>

But it had to be done. Now you guys get why I never hated them? Hehe…

Anyways, review. Tell me what you think – right, no goals since this is mostly a OC fanfic and those never get many reviews…but I'm still doing this :) But secret word is: better! Why? Cause I'm feeling better with my stupid headaches. Oh, and if you can guess what song the the title is from (it's a line in a song) then…idk but you get something.

Reviewing gets you a sugar cookie. (why? because I made a batch on Saturday. Love me some sugar cookies)

~Icyfirelove3

P.S. Read the other story I'm writing (I almost wrote two, which is a lie. Well, for fanfic. I'm only writing two (this and superhero). But I am writing my own personal story :D maybe one day I'll get published hehe) anyways, the other fanfic story I'm writing is called Superhero (with MI characters!) . But I DID NOT write the first three chapters for superhero! The person I beta for (coolestxnerd) did. She didn't have time to finish it so she gave it me. So I didn't steal it or anything either.

P.P.S. Read the stories I beta for: All of Bookninja15's stories (too many to list out but a lot of MI ones), Skyecelade99's Parallel Hearts, and MollyGM's City of Bones Jace POV!


	4. Chapter 3: Delayed by Drugs

**Disclaimer: Since I'm not wearing my red wig, I guess I'm not Cassandra Clare and therefore, do not own this. I do, however, own my characters (Nisha, Zef, Aden, Selena, Courtney, their parents, and her deceased brother) **

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, added my story on story alert and/or fav. Author. Especially since this is mostly OC.

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: Delayed by Drugs<strong>

_A knock on the door made Aden stand up and open the door. As Aden let the person in, I heard a familiar voice. "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted hot chocolate."_

_Apparently spotting me, he added in an undertone, "How is she doing?" _

_Before Aden could respond, I curtly snapped, "I'm right here!" _

_Zef walked over, next to the bed. "Sorry," he apologized sheepishly, stuffing his hand in his pockets. "I was just worried about you since you left during dinner." _

"_I'm fine, thanks though." I intertwined my fingers together, staring at the ceiling. We all just stayed in silence for a while._

"_I made some hot chocolate. Come in the kitchen if you want some," he said, walking through the door. _

_Aden sat back down next to me, glancing at the door before looking back at me. "C'mon, let's go. It will make you feel better." _

"_How do you do it?" I asked, ignoring what he said. How could he act so fine, how could he help me with my pain, when he had his own to deal with? _

"_Do what?" he asked, but I was sure that he knew the answer. _

"_Not show the pain we're in. Everyone's mostly concerned about me." _

"_Because you're the youngest," he responded gently. _

"_Yeah, cause a less than half a year is such a big difference," I said huffily. _

"_Look, we're all cooping in some way. I guess it helps me comfort you. Keeps my mind off things," he consoled me. "Now, if you don't mind, I want some hot chocolate." _

_Aden helped me get up and we walked down to the kitchen. Three steaming cups of hot chocolate were on the tray. "Is Courtney not coming?" I asked, staring at the three cups. _

"_She, uh, had hers before. With Nisha," Zef responded apologetically. _

"_Oh, okay," I responded, let down. I sipped my hot chocolate before I quickly put it back on the table. _

"_I think I just burnt my tongue," I said due to the Aden looking at me._

"_Whoops, forgot to warn you that it's hot. Want some ice?" Zef asked. _

"_Nah, I'm fine. If it starts becoming annoying, I'll just give myself an _iratze_." I blew on it, not ready to burn my tongue again. _

_Memories flashed back in my mind from when I was a kid, watching snow fall gently down to the ground. I was sitting by the hearth, reading a book and had a mug of steaming hot chocolate in front of me. It really was, in fact, steaming. I burnt my tongue on and family thought it would be funny to make me endure the full three to four days with it. _

_I couldn't properly taste anything, and it just felt plain _weird_. And after that, I never really did burn my tongue, until now, that is. They always did, however, joke around that I was going to burn it again. _

_And of course, being bratty and stubborn to prove them wrong, I never did. Which resulted in laughing at them when they burnt their own tongues. _

_The memories faded and I absently took a sip, no longer scalding. I looked up, seeing Zef and Aden both watching me. Uncomfortable, I squirmed in my chair. "What?" I asked, my eyes flickering back and forth from the two of them. _

_Neither of them said anything for a while. "Just…you were like, daydreaming." _

"_Right," I said sarcastically. "I just got lost in my thoughts…" _

_Aden nodded in understanding and Zef took a sip of his own hot chocolate to do something during that awkward little moment. I drained the cup, the milky feeling that was spreading through my making me sleepy. _

_I got up, and almost stumbled before catching myself. "I'm okay," I announced to no one in particular. _

"_It's almost like she's drunk," Zef muttered under his breath to Aden. _

"_You put too much in it!" he exclaimed. The last part, of course, didn't make sense to me. Not a lot of things were – my mind was all fuzzy and the world was spinning. _

_Zef opened his mouth to respond, but I got my slurred words out before he did. "I'm not drunk. What the hell are you guys talking about?" The world swam and the floor was rushing up to my face. I leaned against the wall, feeling better when I closed my eyes. _

_A peaceful sensation was over me, but it was tainted. Something was wrong. It was tugging on the edge of my mind, like a tease. I didn't know what was wrong, but something just was._

"_Dude, next time, leave it to me," Aden said, shaking his head and started walking to me. _

"_Don't step a foot closer," I warned him, pointing an accusing finger at him. "What the hell did you do to me?"_

_Guilt and hurt flashed in his eyes before it was replaced by the hard dark sapphire. The world dipped and I collapsed on the floor. Aden grabbed my forearms and helped me up. As soon as I was standing – well, l would call standing leaning against the wall without toppling over – I yanked my arms away from him. _

"_Don't touch me," I growled. "I'm fine. Now I'm going to ask again, _what did you do to me_?" _

_Shades of black and gray crept along my vision like mist, before it was all I could see. The last thing I saw was blue, the last thing I heard was someone screaming – I couldn't tell who, maybe it was even me since I was far too gone to tell – and the last thing I felt was like I was swaying. _

_And then the world disappeared. _

"_I think we should wake her up," someone said nervously, the sounds coming to me like I was hearing underwater. Which wasn't really well. _

"_Shh, let her sleep if she has to. The longer, the better," someone else said, and I still couldn't hear them quiet clearly._

_It felt like I was mummified – but I wasn't. My hands and feet felt like someone had put a thousand pounds on them and I felt weak. I could barely even move my head to the side or twitch my fingers. _

_The sounds went away, replaced by a warm feeling again, starting at my hand, and spreading across my body like a fire._

_I rolled my head to the side, groggily. I snuggled my face into the pillow, trying to chase away the awareness. All I wanted was to go back to sleep. _

_Then my eyes snapped open. I remembered what happened before. Whenever before was, anyways. _

_I slowly, barely, lifted up my hand, glad to see the heaviness of it gone. I closed my eyes again, and turned to the other side, cracking them open just a bit. _

_Not seeing anything other than something blobs of shapes blurred by the silver of my eyelashes, I opened my eyes. And instantly regretted it. Zef, seeing my eyes open, hurriedly came to my side. I clearly remembered him standing over me. That son of a bitch. _

"_How are you feeling?" he asked concernedly._

"_Stop with the bullshit. What the _fuck _did you do to me?" _

"_Whoa, language," Zef said, reeling back like I struck him. He had no idea how much I wanted to. _

"_Oh, cut the crap and tell me _now_," I threatened him, pissed off at him. And Aden. _

_At the world. Everyone. _

_Did they really freakin thing that I needed _this _on top of everything else? What the hell did they think they were doing? I swear by the Angel, I was going to bash their heads together. _

"_Listen Sel," he said patiently after drawing a deep breath. _

_My eyes flashed. "You have _no _right to call me Sel. You got that?" _

_I saw hurt on his face, before he turned away. A small part of me was angry at myself at hurting him, but the anger at him, Aden and everything else the dense world had thrown at me, masked it. _

"_Sorry," he muttered. "I just heard…just forget about it." _

"_After you tell me what's going on," I stipulated. _

"_For someone who's in bed, you can be so demanding. And like I said before, _you _are the one in the bed Do you not think _I _should be the one calling the shots?" _

"_I can easily pummel you to pulp. And no, since you weren't the one that was _drugged _I call the shots." He winced at the word drugged and I knew I hit a sore spot. "So, care to explain?" _

_His green eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere – except at me. "Damnit Zef, I deserve to know!" _

_He opened his mouth, as if he was going to really answer me, but the door banged open. Zef turned towards the door, taking the chance to escape from answering. Aden stood at the door, and when his eyes meet mine, he perked up. _

"_Sel!" he exclaimed, rushing towards me. "You're awake." He stood by the side of my bed, eyes happy. _

_I wanted so badly to punch him in the nose, to hold him by the front of the shirt and demand an answer. I could imagine the ruby blood that would come from the broken nose…_

_But I couldn't do that to my best friend. I heard Zef complaining in the background. "Why can _he _get away with calling you Sel, but I can't?" No one answered him, of course. _

"_Explain," I demanded to Aden. "Now." _

_He sighed dramatically, sitting down on the bed. "We drugged you." _

"_Thanks for telling me that Captain Obvious! I want to know _why._" _

_He pursed his lips, as if he was trying to delay this as much as possible. "You were upset," he started, looking at me with sad blue eyes. "And the whole thing with Courtney put you on the edge. So…we thought that a night without anything to worry about would do you good." _

"_You knocked me out for a night?" I cried incredulously. _

"_Actually," he said, not meeting my eyes and looking very involved with picking at a loose thread, "It was about a day and a half."_

"_The hell Aden! Why would you _do _that?" _

"_It was for your own good," he answered, still not quite meeting my eyes. _

"_Well, you don't see me drugging you!" I shot back, fuming. _

_He was silent at that, looking down at his hands. "Well, Zef here put too much in your hot chocolate…" he trailed off. _

"_Yeah, I kind of realized that it was in the hot chocolate. Seriously guys, you don't know how much I just want to smack your faces off." _

"_You look pretty calm," Zef remarked. _

"_Shut up!" I snapped at him. _

"_So much for calm," he noted. _

"_Go away," I moaned, burying my face under the covers. "I don't ever want to see either of you again." _

"_Selena, don't do that. You were free from all that misery, which did you good." _

"_Yeah, only to have it crushing back along with the betrayal," I said, my eyes glinting dangerously. They both winced at the harshness of my words, but I didn't pay it any attention. "It was _my _choice. Not yours." _

_They both didn't look at me anymore, heads down before Aden spoke. "I did feel guilty, Sel. Really." _

"_Well, how would _you _feel if I did that to you?" I asked tersely. They both clammed up immediately, picturing it, I assumed. _

_Sighing, I threw the covers to the side, and swung my legs over the side. I stood up, wobbly, not unlike a newborn calf and nearly toppled over. Aden grabbed my arm, pulling me upright. I yanked my hand back stiffly. _

"_Don't touch me," I warned, before walking like I was in seven inch heels for five hours. I finally made it to the door and pried it open. _

_I was faintly surprised that neither of them made a move to stop me, but I carried on walking into the kitchen. My stomach rumbled with hunger, and I succumbed to its demands._

_On the counter, there was a wrapped up sandwich. Narrowing my eyes at it, I poked it before deciding to unwrap it and take a cautious bite. _

_Flavors flooded in my mouth and I took more bites, barely chewing before I swallowed my food. "I'm taking that you like it," someone said. _

_I whirled around, seeing a familiar figure leaning against the wall, arms crossed. "What do you want Zef?" I asked, annoyed. _

"_Just to let you know that I made that sandwich," he said, pointing to it with his chin. _

"_In that case," I said, while dropping it back in the counter. My stomach silently protested, but I silenced it. "There you go."_

_He detached himself from the wall, walking towards me, almost predator like. "I didn't do anything to it. I made it as a peace offering. Special family recipe," he said, while stopping. "Go ahead and eat it." _

"_No," I said stubbornly. _

"_I swear on the Angel that I didn't do anything to it." I narrowed my eyes at him and did nothing. _

"_You want me to take a bite out of it then?" he offered, walking to the counter, where I had tossed the sandwich. _

_Zef held it out to me and I just stared at it for a second before I slowly took it. "Look, we did it for you. I couldn't see someone who seemed so nice and young go through so much pain. It just isn't right." _

"_I'm not young," I huffily replied as I took a bite out of the sandwich. _

"_Okay, not young then. You guys are so alike…" he said, mostly to himself._

_The sandwich stopped midway on its journey to my mouth. "Who?" I asked. _

_Zef just shook his head sadly. "I think you owe me one," I told him, sitting down at the table, motioning for him to join me. _

"_Fine. It's a sad story, so prepare yourself," he said, settling in the chair. _

"_The person I just compared you to, was my sister, Sabrina. She would be a little younger than you right now, I think." _

"_Was?" I asked, picking up the key word. He nodded miserably. _

"_She, along with the rest of my family, and my grandparents on my father's side all died in a demon induced fire. In was in the middle of the night, and I had snuck out. Which is why I didn't die like I was suppose to with them." _

"_That isn't your fault," I told him, feeling really bad for him. His eyes looked glassy as he continued eyes that were glancing back in the past. _

"_All of them died. My sister was so young, she didn't deserve that. I myself was your age when it happened to me. Which is how I came here. My only living relative, my grandma from my mom's side. Everyone told me that it wasn't my fault, that it was just survivor's guilt, but I didn't pay attention to them. All I knew was that my family had died. I fell into a depression, not talking, not eating. I just laid in bed all day, thinking about my family. Why I didn't die. Why my family had to die." _

"_But it wasn't your fault," I told him. _

"_I know that now. And I'm telling you this because it wasn't your fault for what happened to your family either." _

_I laughed bitterly. At least it really wasn't Zef's fault, like it was mine. "It was my fault. I went demon hunting, even though they told me not to. They came to save me and in return, they died. So how isn't that my fault? That's _completely _my fault." _

"_No it's not. A lot of things could have been done differently. They could have taken you when you asked in the first place. You just went out on the wrong day, at the wrong time. It wasn't your fault." _

"_Yes it was! They came out, looking for _me_. They all died for saving _me_. All of this points back to _me!" I_ shouted, angry tears threatening to spill over my cheeks. _

_Zef looked conflicted, before taking a step. He looked up to see my reaction, but I was too busy wiping away my tears to be really bothered with him. I didn't even notice that he moved again until he was hugging me, stroking my back comfortingly. _

_Somehow, I got control over myself in a few minutes. Sniffling, I pulled back, muttering a thanks. Really, though, his words really hadn't made it all better – just for the time being it did. I said something about going to sleep before walking away. _

"_Selena?" Zef called from behind me._

_I turned around, raising my eyebrow at him. "I'm here if you need to talk. Really. I know how you feel. Been there, done that. Still hurts sometimes." I nodded my head, unsure of what else to do before I headed back in my room._

_So I could have a real good crying jag that was long overdue._

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><p>Ta-da! I finally did this…took me forever, I know. I'm sorry – I was in texas. Came back just a couple of days ago and boy did I have a shitload of work to make up.<p>

So…tell me what you think? Secret word: highways. Because I saw SO many of them in Texas…

Also, anyone else who reads my other story called Superhero, I'm working on it (superhero was first started by the person I beta for, CoolestxNerd, before I took over. So give her props for the story and the first chapters)

Leave a review…I might update faster ;P

~Icyfirelove3


	5. Chapter 4: Anger, Hurt, and Breakdowns

**Disclamier: Since I tested it out with my other fanfic, it seems like people actually read these things, so I have to say that I am not Cassandra Clare, but I am working on it. **

**Police: *clears throat* What did you say Icyfirelove3?**

**Me: Uhm…I LOVE YOU CASSANDRA CLARE! *runs away* **

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, added my story on story alert and/or fav. Author. Especially since this is mostly OC.

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: Anger, Hurt and Breakdowns<strong>

**Selena's Point of View**

_I wanted nothing more to slam the door to my room, lock it, flop myself on my bed before crying into the pillow. Hard. _

_But, this wasn't my house. This wasn't my room, even if I am temparily living in it. I couldn't slam the door childishly like I could do at home. _

_Home. _

_How I missed home. Nothing more would be better to see the dark oak kitchen, the brown soft sofas with a zebra printed throw, and the red pillows that matched the curtains. But I knew I couldn't go home, even if I could. I mentally wouldn't be able to handle it. _

_A home wasn't a home without the people living in it. It was an empty shell now. A hallow, empty shell, not unlike what I was. I walked to the bed numbly before locking the door behind me softly. Just because I was sad, doesn't mean I have to bring everyone down like a wet blanket. _

_I couldn't be the little kid anymore. I had to toughen up. What kind of Shadowhunter wasn't tough? I sniffled, tears already kissing the back of my eyes. Quickly, I randomly pulled out a set of PJ's, and stepped into the shower, not waiting for it to heat up._

_Icy water blasted out of the shower, and as much as I wanted to move away, I didn't. I stayed rooted to the ground, and the water eventually was warm. I just stared blankly at the titles, trying to not think. Escape from this awful reality. Maybe I'll wake up and it will be a horrible dream. _

I still wish it was a dream. If only it was. Too bad reality still struck me still after so long. Really, I could complain about how horrible and whatnot while I had them…but now, now, what I would give just to spend even a second with them.

_Eventually the waterworks started, first slowly, with a single dear tricking down my checks and before long, my tears were mingling with the water. I tried to stifle my sobs, but I was unable to restrain them. _

_Heaving, I slid to the floor, and wrapped my arms around my knees, my head tucked in. Maybe if I became small enough, I would disappear. Poof. Be gone. Never to be seen again. _

_But as much as I would love that, I couldn't leave Aden and Courtney like that. Losing one more person, would be one more thing to push them over the edge. I don't care that Courtney is mad at me for some reason. She's still my sister, and my family. My only family. _

_After a few minutes, the tears subsided and I got back up slowly on my feet, pushing my wet hair out of my face, reminding me of my mother. She would always push my hair back when it hung in my face, saying how she loved how I had the same hair color as her. _

_I dug my nails into my palms to stop the tears that were about to come again. I didn't need to start another jag yet. No, what I needed was to move on. I can't change the past, and I can't dwell on it. My parents wouldn't want me to feel like this. _

_I wanted to make my parents happy. And that would make them happy. So _be happy_, I told myself ternly, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand, realizing that it was a wasted effort since my hand was wet as well. _

_I smiled a bit at the irony before getting out of the shower. If I did, I would be tempted to start crying again. I needed to stay on the happier thoughts. _

_I got dressed and opened the door, climbing in my bed, snuggling the soft material against my face. _Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, _I told myself. Just went I was about to fall asleep, I heard my door opening. _

_I tried to open my eyes but they wouldn't budge. I sighed, thinking that I could just pretend that I was sleeping. They would probably go away and come back in the morning then. _

_After a while I didn't hear anything, even though something was telling me that they hadn't left yet. Trying to forgot about it, I curled up to the side, taking deep breaths. _

_Just when I was drifting again, I felt someone stroke my cheek. The rest of my body froze and I wanted to open my eyes, but they were glued shut. I didn't need to let them know I was awake anyways. _

_As I was trying to breathe normally, the person stopped. I heard them quietly start walking. It was then that I dared to open my eyes a little and try to see who it was. My room, however, was dark. And so was the hallway when the person opened the door. I only got an outline of their silhouette, dark against slightly less dark, before the person left. _

_Sometime, I woke up, my head foggy. I remembered what happened last night. Or was it a dream? Probably a dream, I decided. Who the hell would do something like that? _

_Groaning, I tossed my legs over the side of the bed and got up. The bed was so comfy, so warm and soft. I could picture myself snuggling against the blankets, tickling my cheeks with it's softnes…_

_And I marched into the bathroom, splashed my face with icy water. Feeling more then awake, I wiped my face before brushing and walking out of my room. I looked across the hallway, eyes pausing on my sister's door. _

_Would she be even madder if I went to talk to her now? _

_I decided to ignore that and just go visit her. The worst that could happen was that she could be annoyed at me. It at least showed that I cared. That had to count for something, right? _

_I stopped infront of her door, nerves building up in me. I took a deep breath and…_

_The door creaked open and I peered in her room. The bed was lumpy. I silently tip toed over to where she was to look at her. At least her face wouldn't be twisted into fury when she saw me – it would be gentle and worry free in her sleep. I hope. _

_I frowned when I couldn't see her face. I pushed back the covers to see that the bed was, in fact, empty. I muttered a string of curse words under my breath before exiting her room, making sure to close the door. _

_I went into the kitchen, telling myself that I would see her at breakfast. I _had _to. _

_In the kitchen, everyone was there. Everyone, that is, except for Courtney. I felt tears fill my eyes but I blinked them away. I am rock now – nothing can hurt or break me. _

_Still, a sadness echoed deep inside of me as I shook some cereal into my bowl. Zef and Aden exchanged worried glances but I ignored them. I poured milk and sat down on the table, staring at my food as I ate it. I didn't have the heart to look anywhere else. _

"_Want anything else, Selena?" Zef asked, sitting across from me. _

_I shook my head and dug my spoon into the bowl again. I could feel eyes on me and that did it for me. I looked up, eyes hard as I looked at both of them. They both quickly looked away, but not quick enough so I didn't see. _

"_Do you mind?" I snapped icily. I felt bad after I saw a shadow cross Aden's face but I kept repeating to myself that I was the moon – hard, cold, and distant. _

"_Sorry," Zef muttered, helping Aden. _

_I sighed, dropping the spoon into the bowl with a splash. "Where's Courtney?" I asked, spitting it out. They probably knew what was chewing me up from the inside out anyways. _

"_She went outside to take a walk," Zef answered. Aden still didn't look at me but when I heard what Zef said, I went crazy. _

"_What?" I asked, eyes widening. "You do realize that _your _house was the closest from where we almost _died_? Why would you let her do that!" _

_I wanted nothing more but to get up and bash their heads together. Pushing the though away, I focused on worrying about my sister, even if she couldn't care less about me right now. _

"_Well, she said she would be fine. And I made her take a seraph blade so she will be fine," Zef consoued me. _

"_How do you know that she's not trying to get herself killed? Or going after that monster again?" I snapped, wanting to bash his pretty little head off. _

_Zef looked away, apparently not thinking of that possibility. "Where the hell did she go?" I demanded. _

"_I don't know!" Zef exploded back. _

_I exhaled sharply and fixed him with my best piercing looking. "Where is your weapons room?" _

_He looked like he wanted to do nothing more to refuse me but thought better of it. Aden, on the other hand, hadn't thought apparently. "Sel, we'll go after her," Aden said, on his feet already. _

"_She's _my _sister," I retorted, getting up and exiting the kitchen. "I will find her." _

"_And what if you get hurt?" Aden asked, following me as Zef guiltily lead me to the weapons room. Clearly, he hated being in the middle of a fight. _

_Wait, fight? Aden and I never had a real fight. Play fights, yes, but a real one, never. I scowled, mad at Courtney for causing this. _

_First I have her bitching on me, and now Aden is all protective of me. "What if _you _guys get hurt?" I shot back. "You better not be sexist right now or else I seriously will slap you." _

_Aden shut his mouth then, even though he looked like he was ready to argue some more. I looked at the weapons room, glad to see familiar things. _

_I found a belt, stuck a bunch of knives in there, and in my pocket I shoved a witchlight. Thinking about it, I took a short sword as well. "Well, what are you waiting for?" I asked, seeing that they hadn't move from their postion near the door. _

_Hearing my voice, they jumped into action and I saw Zef taking twin blades with him. Aden, though, had a shield in one hand. I raised an eyebrow at it but said no more. _

_I took a deep breath and started searching for her, starting to call out her name but stopped. Maybe that would just made her that much more reckless. Not finding her in any open space, I moved to the forest that was their backyard, getting a sinking feeling. _

_I walked quietly in the forest, cursing when I stepped on a twig that crunched under my boots. There were way too many things on the forest floor for me. _

_I cautiously kept walking before I heard a rustle of a leaf. I froze in my track before slowly walking backwards and hiding behind a tree, blade in hand, the name on the tip of my tongue. _

_A dark shadow loomed across the forest floor and I whispered the blades name almost inaudibly, ready to spring._

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><p>I haven't done a cliffy for this yet, I think, so enjoy aha<p>

Sorry that this is late. I've been busy and I know it's short…sorry for that too. Yeah, might as well make the secret word sorry since I keep saying sorry.

But I'm trying so…don't hate me? XD

Right, so i'm just going to give out teasers if i feel like it (prob will) cause im too lazy to make a secret word

~Icyfirelove3


	6. Special Note

I apologize that I haven't been on months. I know that you're going to think this is some lame excuse (which i cannot blame you for)

But I was really busy righting my own novel for the past 9 months (hence the slow down of my fanfiction - and if anyone cares, I finished it :D) And I promised myself that when it's summer I would do them and it's already been almost a month into summer break and I didn't do it, so I apologize.

After today (it's like 1 at night for me) I promise I will try to upload it more often.

As of now, I am not giving up _any _of my stories; I _will _finish _all _of them.

If I _do _decide to not continue to finish them, I will inform you, but I doubt that I will not.

Anyways, so thank you if you stuck through this with me! I love all of you guys!

I hope nobody hates me too much!

(it sucks because in two weeks I'm going to cali for three weeks so no time to write then so during then, i think i get an excuse! but other than that, I _swear _I will try to update)

Sorry for being horrible.

Thank you all again!


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